THE BOTTOM FALLS OUT OF HEAVEN!
Things couldn’t get any better.
Great job, great people, doing good creative work, traveling, the company of incredible Masters, feeling blessed.
Dee had made himself indispensable at a sound studio he used to come and watch when I was producing soundtracks and had been so good at observing and easy to work with he had been offered a job there.
We had opened a shop, to realize Kathy's dream featuring her own clothing designs.
But, then had to close the shop, although Fitzroy was starting to attract the alternatives, the artists, musicians, there was not a lot of disposable income in that market and it had not been success.
We sold our little cottage, and upgraded to a beautiful old Federation style house in Elwood which was just beginning to be recognized as an up and coming suburb, close to the Bay.
What could possibly go wrong?
My turn for the Universe to turn the spotlight on me and say
"How you do deal with this?"
You've enjoyed lots of rainbows so far let's see what you are really made of.
Kathy and I had grown apart…I had been drawn into the business world , demanding both working and socially and immersed in my studies of consciousness.
We tried to reconcile.
It was Anzac Day, despite having a stroke several years earlier, my fathers indestructable will power had got most of his mobility back.
He insisted on marching in the parade as he had always had proudly led his battalion in the March.We watched on television, and I felt admiration for him as I saw him at the head of the battalion, amazed at this same willpower, he was so proud to be able to lead 'his men' to the destination, the Cenotaph.
I went to the shop and when I returned Kathy said my mother had just rung.
"Your father has had a heart attack".
What I didn't see was at the end of the March, he had reached one of his oldest friends from the war, who hadn't marched because of illness, and collapsed with a heart attack at his feet. A nurse in the crowd broke his sternum as she tried to resuscitate him
I flew to Sydney and met my mother and Judy totally devastated at the hospital. The doctor had just told them they had managed to get him breathing, but he was literally brain dead. My mother had to decide whether to take him home, a 'virtual vegetable', with virtually no hope of recovery or switch off the life machine as his kidneys would stop functioning. The kindest decision would be to turn off the life machine.
My mother was the only one empowered to make this decision and made the heart breaking decision to turn off the machine, he had been such a powerful man and she had lived quietly under his care and and protection. A decision and pain she would never recover from.
The connection between my father and I had been healing, and he was again proud of me as I had been successful on my own terms.
I now also understood so many of his generation had suffered post traumatic stress through what they had witnessed and been personally involved in, and with no help had to try and re-establish their equilibrium, just calling it 'shell shock'. Totally traumatized they had to return home, get jobs and raise a family and 'be a man' was the mantra, keeping quiet about this trauma, deep pain and supressed emotions.
I don’t even remember how long it took for him to breathe his final breath. But I can’t forget sitting beside him holding his hand and talking and talking with him. I shared all the things I had done in previous years, my dreams for the future, how I regretted not knowing more of his story, how glad I was we had reconciled, how Dee and his great grandson were doing.
Sometimes his eyes would flicker and I intuited he was actually hearing my words and or at least feeling my emotions.
In retrospect, I believe this time was a gift in that it allowed me to share the love that I felt for him and felt a strong heart connection and if anything needed to be forgiven between us it was.
His funeral was held at the church were my parents had been married. His coffin was covered in an Australian flag with his Diggers hat on top, many of his military friends both past and present crowded the church which felt filled with both love and respect for this great warrior. One of the militaries highest officers delivered the eulogy, and I am sorry I didn't get a copy of it as he shared my fathers service to the country and his friends.
My mother joins my father.
Soon, my mother was starting to have intense stomach pain and going to doctors for consultations, but they weren't able to identify or prescribe any thing, apart from horrible aluminium based Mylantar! They suggested she have a small exploratory operation to see if they could discover the cause, and she agreed.
I shared this with Master Cheng, and he said it was purely stress and gave me some simple Chi Kung practices to share with her that would help her reduce stress and help her create more healing energy.
Her response was simple, she had always taken medical advice and couldn't relate to my unfamiliar way of seeing, so I gracefully, as much as I could, became silent on this. I also had the feeling that she couldn't bear to be separated from the great love of her life.
She went into hospital for 'exploratory surgery', and I was totally gob smacked the 'nutritional food' they gave her in the time before the operation. She came out of the operation, which had been much bigger than expected, but had not found anything, still delerious from the drugs.
I bent over, kissed her, and said
"I really love you Mum",
She became incredibly clear and present and said:
"I love you too"
and, within minutes passed away. It was an incredibly painful moment, but I found some relief and comfort in knowing our last contact was full of pure love and she would be accompanied by that.
I believe, in retrospect,I had been graced time with my father to bring our relationship to completion and our wounds had been healed, . and with my mother as she had always only shown unconditional love there was nothing to resolve and she could leave free and unburdened.
Kathy and I leave each other
In between the reconciliation hadn't healed the wounds, and I actually came home to find a house empty of much of the furniture and empty of any trace of Kathy, Dee was now around twenty and his support at this phase was beautiful and his maturity showed as I was still l shocked and rocked by this.
A divorce was initiated.
We settled in advance of the actual formal divorce, I had to sell our house and decided to leave leave Melbourne for a fresh start.
Although traumatised by this sequence of 'events', I believe what I had been learning helped me through these traumas that had happened over such a compressed time, and maintain some form of wobbly balance, but also I was to have my share of post traumatic stress which would affect some of my later decisions.